Thursday, April 23, 2009

It's Okay Daddy, you can go now....

Wow...It is still so surreal. I don't even know where to begin with this one. All I know is I really miss my daddy. I keep thinking he is going to come walking in the door any minute. The reason for my title is because the last hours of my daddy's life were scary, traumatizing, beautiful, and extremely sad. Saturday night (April 18Th 2009) mom had needed some much needed rest, I offered to stay up for a few hours aand keep a close on Daddy, as he had a hard day. He wasn't able to walk early that morning, as he had been struggling the night before, we quickly learned that he had lost all ability's that early morning. Daddy also had us a bit nervous earlier, as he had mentioned that he "was done", we didn't quite know what he meant, but he was in and out, and the "Boys" (My Brothers, Shane, Mike, My hubby Tim, and brother in law Ryan) gave him a blessing of release. We thought it was his time, but it didn't quite feel right. It was a busy day, as we were prompted to do our fun raising yard sale and Navajo Taco sale...we put it all together in an evening. We dropped the sale to surround daddy and be there for him...Hospice brought him in a hospital bed where he spend his last day and night. Before mom retired to bed, she specifically told me to not leave daddy's sight and to keep an eye on his breathing as he was rasping more and more. My little sister and I cuddled up on the couch next to daddy and was watching Beauty and the Beast. An hour went by when Daddy had started hick-upping and it started to get worse and worse..I was scared. I went and woke mom after about another hour of his hick-up episode and was quickly assured by the Holy Ghost that my daddy wasn't going to make it. I quickly ran into the room and woke Tim. I told him "Daddy isn't going to make it"...I was hysterical. I didn't want to believe what I was saying was true. My knees were weak and my stomach hurt..my heart ached like it never ached before. I know it was a miracle that I was able to pull myself off the floor and clean my tears, I knew I had to be strong for daddy because he was scared too. When I returned to the couch next to daddy, I went ahead and took the time to say my final goodbyes..even though he couldn't respond, he would kind of moan to let me know he could hear me. I said several things that night and also made several promises to daddy. I will share a few things.. I began by telling daddy how much I loved him and how much I will miss these moments. I cuddled up to him and asked him to tell my babies how much I love them and that I cannot wait to meet them, "daddy I'm so jealous that you get to meet them first, but I am so excited to have them and know you were just with them and you will be such a BIG part of their spiritual lives. Remember to kick them down from heaven and send them with a birthmark on their bums so I know you sent them" I also sang to daddy A Child's Prayer in which I sing every time I'm scared or I am in desperate need of a "spiritual moment". I know he was laughing when I sang to him because everyone knows that I am a horrible singer and just simply don't sing. I reminded Daddy of the last time I sang that song, we were at my cousin Ryan's mission farewell and I whispered to my sisters "tell me when to start" in which the microphone was in front of me so everyone heard it! Ryan was like my brother in which he passed away on my Graduation day May 23.2003..who would have thought that daddy would be the next one to see him and Ryan would be welcoming him with open arms. I asked daddy, please give Ryan a big hug for me and tell him how much I miss him. "Daddy...please visit me often, as I will really need you." I promised daddy that I would be strong and that I will take care of mommy and my little sister. I also promised him that I will keep a current temple recommend so that no matter what, we will be together for the eternities. After an hour I gave him a big kiss. From that moment on, I held his hand in one hand and put my hand on his heart up to his very last breath. "Daddy, I wont leave you until your there..I promise". Daddy got worse as his lungs had filled up with infection and fluid, he was sufficating. Daddy would get really scared when his airways were blocked or if I let go of his hand..I then would look him in the eyes and rub his sweet chest "its okay daddy, you can go now" I would repeat myself and would also let him know that "we will be okay". Daddy took his last breath while we listened to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir "Lilies in the field" and him staring at the beautiful lilies on the TV. I am thankful he went peacefully at 8:15 A.M. April 19, 2009 after a long suffocating night and a courageous fight to stay with us. The gurgle still haunts me as I still cannot let the sink drain or even stand the sound of a humidifier. They say time heals...time hurts and I hate it. Time makes me miss him more, time makes me sadder and sadder, time is A LONG time away from my daddy! My eyes are sad and my heart hurts, how will I be okay without my daddy? My testimony has grown and I am so thankful to have the gospel in my life. How can anyone deal with such tragedy without the gospel? I miss my daddy more and more everyday. I cannot explain the hurt I feel. I am thankful he isn't in pain anymore and I cannot wait to reunite with my sweet daddy. I will miss his warm embrace, his loving words, his wisdom, his strength, his courage, his testimony, his prayers, his love and commitment, his comfort, his laugh, his smile, his stories, his EVERYTHING* I love you my daddy. (I spoke at my daddy's funeral and I will post it soon)

2 comments:

Trish Wilcox said...

Thanks for sharing that moment with us. I'm so sorry that you had to go thru that but also how amazing that you got to be there with your daddy

Becca said...

Oh, sweet Gia. I cried to read this post. I'm glad you wrote it. It doesn't feel like it will ever be better, but I AM SO PROUD OF YOU for being strong for your dad. He needed you so much and you were his angel to take him home. We prayed and prayed for you and we will keep praying for you and your family. Heavenly Father doesn't want you to forget your daddy. He will help you remember it all and will eventually take the bitter away and leave you with the sweet. I know He loves you and will bless you.